=====> Who will drink first ——- <=====
Posts Tagged ‘Child’
Who Will Drink First ~ Kto sa Napije Prvý
Monday, March 7th, 2011Think before you speak
Tuesday, January 11th, 2011One of those, that are worth to repeat…
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
“How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?”
I turned around and walked back out and never went back my husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
“I think I like playing with mens balls”.
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
“No, I’m just looking at your nuts.”
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget..
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
“If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s willy last night!”
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No”.
I kept thinking: “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.”
Then I said,
“Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?”
“No,” he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled,
“SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!”
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan in America laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:
“So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
How the World Works Lately
Monday, October 25th, 2010
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and
die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the Tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BUTT is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates…
Kid Prodigy
Friday, September 3rd, 2010On the Beach
Saturday, November 7th, 2009
Never Under Estimate a Mother
Wednesday, October 28th, 2009MOTHER RESCUING HER CHILD
Look at the dog’s face … This has to be what he is thinking:
“What the hell just happened? Did I just get my *ss kicked by a squirrel!?!!”
The Old Paths
Monday, October 19th, 2009
Moms were at home.
Dads were at work.
Brothers went into the army.
And sisters got married BEFORE having children!
Crime did not pay;
Hard work did;
And people knew the difference.
Moms could cook;
Dads would work;
Children would behave.
Husbands were loving;
Wives were supportive;
And children were polite.
Women wore the jewelry;
And Men wore the pants.
Women looked like ladies;
Men looked like gentlemen;
And children looked decent.
People loved the truth,
And hated a lie;
They came to church to get IN,
Not to get OUT!
Hymns sounded Godly;
Sermons sounded helpful;
Rejoicing sounded normal;
And crying sounded sincere.
Cursing was wicked;
Drugs were for illness;
And divorce was unthinkable.
The flag was honored;
America was beautiful;
And God was welcome!
We read the Bible in public;
Prayed in school;
And preached from house to house
To be called an American was worth dying for;
To be called a Christian was worth living for;
To be called a traitor was a shame!
Preachers preached because they had a message;
And Christians rejoiced because they had the VICTORY!
Preachers preached from the Bible;
Singers sang from the heart;
And sinners turned to the Lord to be SAVED!
A new birth meant a new life;
Salvation meant a changed life;
Following Christ led to eternal life.
Being a preacher meant you proclaimed the word of God;
Being a deacon meant you would serve the Lord;
Being a Christian meant you would live for Jesus;
And being a sinner meant someone was praying for you!
Laws were based on the Bible;
Homes read the Bible;
And churches taught the Bible.
God was worshiped;
Christ was exalted;
And the Holy Spirit was respected..
Church was where you found Christians
on the Lord’s day, rather than in the garden,
on the creek bank, on the golf course,
Or being entertained somewhere else.
I still like the old paths the best!
(‘The Old Paths’ was written by a retired minister who lives in Tennessee.)
Have You Ever Been This Tired?
Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU SEND THIS TO, REMEMBER, IF IT MADE YOU SMILE, YOUR FRIENDS WILL SMILE TOO!!!!
Burned Biscuits
Monday, August 10th, 2009When I was a wee ”tyke,” my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then.
And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.
On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don’t remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!
When I got up from the table that evening, I heard my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I’ll never forget what he said: “Baby, I love burned biscuits, and I love you.”
Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned.
He wrapped me in his arms and said, “Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she’s real tired. And besides – a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!”
You know, life is full of imperfect things… and imperfect people.
What I’ve learned over the years is that learning to accept each other’s faults – and choosing to celebrate each other’s differences – is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.
And that’s my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He’s the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn’t a deal-breaker.
We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it husband-wife, parent-child, siblings, or friendship.
Who My Baby Daddy?
Monday, August 10th, 2009The following are all replies that Cleveland, Ohio women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing ‘father’s details;’ or putting it another way…. Who’s yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms!
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Willie McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Quincy Ave. where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced. That would be the daddy.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I think that my son’s conception was ejaculate stuff on a tawl and that he is an axident.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cat aclysmic implications for his wife. I am torn between doing right by you and right by him. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Lairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my Otis Redding CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time…. well, I don’t have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at the Art Museum; it really was in the room with the statues of them peoples with they legs cut off .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Hough Ave. , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.
