Posts Tagged ‘Lady’

Lady and Her Hat

Friday, February 18th, 2011

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
“Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

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A Lady’s Confession of Why I changed Hotels

Saturday, October 2nd, 2010

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.” I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt…. you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I’ll give him a call.

“Hello, ma’am, how may I help you?” . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in,
“Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?”

“Oh my God…. that sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

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Children’s ‘Quotes’

Saturday, October 10th, 2009

LOOK OUT FOR THE LAST STORY…. IT WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF

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Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted. A little girl said:
‘I know all about adoption, I was adopted..’
‘What does it mean to be adopted?’, asked another child.
‘It means’, said the girl, ‘that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy!’

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On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was ‘We’re behind 14 to nothing,’ he answered with a smile.
‘Really,’ I said. ‘I have to say you don’t look very discouraged.’
‘Discouraged?’, the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face… ‘Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t
been up to bat yet.’

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Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he’d set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement..
‘Guess what, Mom,’ he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me….’I've been chosen to clap and cheer.’

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An eye witness account from New York City, on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the young boy and said,
‘My, but you’re in such deep thought staring in that window!’
‘I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,’ was the boy’s reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said:
‘No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.’
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her:
‘Are you God’s wife?’

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Let’s Say I Break Into your House!?

Thursday, June 11th, 2009

Your House

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A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!!! It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Her point:

Recently, large demonstrations have taken place across the country, protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration.

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Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely.

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Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests…

Let’s say I break into your house. Let’s say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave.

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But I say, “I’ve made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I’ve done all the things you don’t like to do. I’m hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters:
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You are Required to let me stay in your house.
You are Required to add me to your family’s insurance plan.
You are Required to Educate my kids.
You are Required to Provide other benefits to me & to my family (my husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part).

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If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there. It’s only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I’m just trying to better myself. I’m a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house. And oh yeah, I get a free education, where you have to pay your own way through college. (TEEHEE)

And what a deal it is for me!!!
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I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.
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Oh yeah, I DEMAND that you learn MY LANGUAGE!!! yh10 So you can communicate with me. And don’t forget to make sure your forms are in MY language – I need to understand them…

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Why can’t people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America !

If you agree, pass it on ( in English ).

Share it if you see the value of it.

If not blow it off………

Along with your future Social Security funds, and a lot of other things!

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Old Ladies

Thursday, April 9th, 2009

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking…

Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

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Sharing Peanuts

Sunday, February 22nd, 2009

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

oldpeople1

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself? We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth,’ she replied. The puzzled driver asks, ‘Why do you buy them, then?’ The old lady replied, ‘We just love the chocolate around them.’

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It pays to be careful around old people

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Mature Lady Driver

Saturday, February 21st, 2009

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A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.   Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you tole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

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