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Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category
Gone Shopping ~ Na Nákupe ~ Vásárolás
Thursday, February 2nd, 2012
For Pet Owners (or Not)
Wednesday, January 25th, 2012FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
FOR THOSE THAT DON’T, IT’S ALSO A TRUE STORY.
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that it is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time,there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN…
(1) They live here….you don’t.
(2) If you don’t want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.That’s why they call it “fur”niture.
(3) I like my pets a whole lot better than I like most people!
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1/ eat less,
2/ don’t ask for money all the time,
3/ are easier to train,
4/ normally come when called,
5/ never ask to drive the car,
6/ don’t hang out with drug-using people;
7/ don’t smoke or drink,
8/ don’t want to wear your clothes,
9/ don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
10/ don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
11/ if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
A History Lesson
Monday, January 23rd, 2012Subject: Why did the British wear red coats in battle?
During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British “red coat.”
Many people have asked, “Why did the British wear red coats in battle?”
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, “Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?”
In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won’t show, and the men they are leading won’t panic.
And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
Budúcnosť Eura
Monday, January 23rd, 2012
Miss Me Yet?
Wednesday, January 11th, 2012
“Fentestic!”
Friday, January 6th, 2012Two Jewish matrons, friends from the old country, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion in Miami Beach. The first woman says,
“Ven mine first child vas born, mine husband built for me this beautiful mension.”
The second woman says, “Fentestic.”
The first woman continues, “Ven mine second child vas born, mine husband bought for me dot fine Kadillek in de driveway.”
Again, the second woman says, “Fentestic.”
The first woman boasts, “Den, ven mine third child vas born, mine husband bought for me this exqvisite
diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the second woman comments, “Fentestic.”
The first woman then asks her companion, “Vat did your husband buy for you ven you had your first child?”
The second woman replies, “Mine husband sent me to charm school.”
“Charm school!” the first woman cries,
“Oy Vey is mir! Vot for?”
The first woman responds, “So instead of saying “Who gives a crap!” I learned to say, “Fentestic!”
Outhouse
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”
“Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”
Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!
“Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”
Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”
To which Ma replies, “Hurts, don’t it?!”
Sign in Chinese Restaurant’s Window
Sunday, January 1st, 2012
