Posts Tagged ‘God’

Grocery List

Saturday, December 24th, 2011

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Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food.

John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once.

Visualizing the family needs, she said: ‘Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can.’

John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store.

Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family. The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, ‘Do you have a grocery list?’

Louise replied, ‘Yes sir.’
‘O.K’ he said, ‘put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries.’

Louise hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.

The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down.
The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, ‘I can’t believe it.’
The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more.
The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement.

It was not a grocery list it was a prayer, which said:

‘Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands.’

The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence. Louise thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said; ‘It was worth every penny of it. Only God knows how much a prayer weighs.’

THE POWER:

Just stop right now, and say a prayer of thanks for your own good fortune….. Then please send this to all your friends and relatives.

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Church Signs

Monday, July 11th, 2011

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Not the Bible Version

Sunday, June 19th, 2011

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On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed……

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed……

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again……

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.

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The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven

Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

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Queen Elizabeth and

Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, ‘Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.’

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, ‘OK, your Majesty, you may go in.’
Dolly is outraged and asks, ‘What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and
you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?’

‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven,

a Royal Flush

Beats a Pair – No Matter How Big They Are.


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So True!!

Thursday, May 12th, 2011

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I LOVE THIS……..

This should be posted in every school or kid’s bedroom. Someone gave a speech at a High School about eleven (11) things they did not and will not learn in school. This person talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one!

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If you can read this … Thank a Teacher!
If you can read this in English … Thank a Soldier!
And for life and everything else you have … Thank God!!!
Now … think about this and smile if you agree and please pass this on!

If you don’t agree, go stick your head in the sand and take a deep breath!

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Thought of the Day

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

My mother always told me to be the best. If I was a soldier, become a general. If I were a man of God, become the Pope. So I was a painter and became myself…..
Pablo Picasso

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Thought of the Day

Sunday, May 1st, 2011

My main thought these days is a prayer to God that I don’t live long enough, after I have to surrender my guns, to be forced by the Feds to buy a ‘made in China’ Burkka from a Spanish Speaking Website with devalued dollars.

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Catholic Heart Attack

Friday, April 22nd, 2011

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, ‘Do you have health insurance?’
He replied in a raspy voice, ‘No health insurance.’
The nun asked, ‘Do you have money in the bank?’
He replied, ‘No money in the bank.’
The nun asked, ‘Do you have a relative who could help you?’
He said, ‘I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.’
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
‘Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.’
The patient replied, ‘Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.’

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Thought of the Day

Thursday, April 14th, 2011

When God measures a man, He puts the tape around the heart instead of the head.

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Christian Jokes

Saturday, March 26th, 2011

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Little John the Baptist

[Matt..18:4-5
"Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And who ever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."]

Johnny’s Mother looked out the window and noticed him “playing church” with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, “Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!”

Johnny looked up at her and said, “He should have thought about that before he joined my church.”

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