Posts Tagged ‘mother’
Dear Santa…
Thursday, December 15th, 2011Identity Crisis
Thursday, October 6th, 2011A little Muslim kid, crying, can’t find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’
The kid says “I have no f**king idea!”
Week in Review
Monday, October 3rd, 2011MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex… Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’
The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’
The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’
The preacher said, ‘No shit?’
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’
‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied. ‘The rest are for your father.’
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
‘Your Honor,’ she began coolly, ‘I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.’
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. ‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’ She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’
A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours!
Debutante Ball
Sunday, June 19th, 2011A U.S. Navy cruiser had anchored off Mississippi for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome,
unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend
the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM
prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.
They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts
of lovely refined young ladies.
One last point: No Jews, PLEASE.
Sending a written message by his yeoman, the captain replied:
Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers:
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD are in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Caltech.
Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.
Upon receiving this letter, the southern mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and she knew the women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, the gracious mother heard a polite rap at the door. Upon answering, she opened the door to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
“There must be some mistake.”
“Impossible, Madam,” the first officer responded,
“Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.”
Thought of the Day
Wednesday, May 11th, 2011The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.
Rajneesh
Thought of the Day
Thursday, May 5th, 2011My mother always told me to be the best. If I was a soldier, become a general. If I were a man of God, become the Pope. So I was a painter and became myself…..
Pablo Picasso
Fairy Tale for Women
Friday, April 1st, 2011
Think before you speak
Tuesday, January 11th, 2011One of those, that are worth to repeat…
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
“How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?”
I turned around and walked back out and never went back my husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
“I think I like playing with mens balls”.
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
“No, I’m just looking at your nuts.”
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget..
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
“If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s willy last night!”
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No”.
I kept thinking: “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.”
Then I said,
“Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?”
“No,” he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled,
“SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!”
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan in America laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:
“So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Tears of a Woman
Sunday, January 9th, 2011
OMG!!!
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010If I got a letter like this woman did, I would stop being a supporter of the president who wrote the letter!!! What about you?
A 28-year-old mother of two from southern Michigan whose bleak prospects and resilient attitude prompted a handwritten note from President Barack Obama has sold the memento for $7,000…
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/11/02/AR2010110201485.html
