Posts Tagged ‘Husband’

“Fentestic!”

Friday, January 6th, 2012

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Two Jewish matrons, friends from the old country, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion in Miami Beach. The first woman says,
“Ven mine first child vas born, mine husband built for me this beautiful mension.”
The second woman says, “Fentestic.”

The first woman continues, “Ven mine second child vas born, mine husband bought for me dot fine Kadillek in de driveway.”
Again, the second woman says, “Fentestic.”
The first woman boasts, “Den, ven mine third child vas born, mine husband bought for me this exqvisite
diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the second woman comments, “Fentestic.”
The first woman then asks her companion, “Vat did your husband buy for you ven you had your first child?”
The second woman replies, “Mine husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cries,
“Oy Vey is mir! Vot for?”
The first woman responds, “So instead of saying “Who gives a crap!” I learned to say, “Fentestic!”

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Outhouse

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”
“Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”
Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!
“Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”
Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”
To which Ma replies, “Hurts, don’t it?!”

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Go Fly a Kite

Wednesday, September 14th, 2011

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I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yelled to me,

‘You need a piece of tail.’

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

‘Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.’

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One Husband’s Story ~ Príbeh Jedného Manžela

Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

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=====> pribehjednohomanzela < =====

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Being Married

Thursday, March 10th, 2011

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Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex’.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening’.

‘But what about afterward?’ asked her friends.

‘Oh, that…….. Ralph was too tired.’

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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life…

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

…remember

1.Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called ……..
‘Ministers Do More Than Lay People’

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.

11.Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment…for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way…

Be who you are and say what you feel… because those that matter… don’t mind…and those that mind… don’t matter.

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Don’t Sleep with Your Wife!

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

My wife asked me, “How many women have you slept with?”
I proudly replied, “Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake.”

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

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International Picture of the Year

Tuesday, December 21st, 2010

WILL YOU WEAR BLUE?

Here are two very touching photos honored this year…

First Place: Todd Heisler The Rocky Mountain News

When 2nd Lt. James Cathey’s body arrived at the Reno Airport, Marines climbed into the cargo hold of the plane and draped the flag over his casket as passengers watched the family gather on the tarmac.
During the arrival of another Marine’s casket last year at Denver International Airport, Major Steve Beck described the scene as so powerful: ‘See the people in the windows? They sat right there in the plane, watching those Marines. You gotta wonder what’s going through their minds, knowing that they’re on the plane that brought him home,’ he said ‘They will remember being on that plane for the rest of their lives. They’re going to remember bringing that Marine home. And they should.’

Second Place: Todd Heisler The Rocky Mountain News

The night before the burial of her husband’s body, Katherine Cathey refused to leave the casket, asking to sleep next to his body for the last time. The Marines made a bed for her, tucking in the sheets below the flag. Before she fell asleep, she opened her laptop computer and played songs that reminded her of ‘Cat,’ and one of the Marines asked if she wanted them to continue standing watch as she slept. ‘I think it would be kind of nice if you kept doing it,’ she said. ‘I think that’s what he would have wanted.’

Blue Fridays

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing blue every Friday. The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the ‘silent majority’. We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing.
Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday — and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar, will wear something blue. By word of mouth, press, TV — let’s make the United States on every Friday a sea of blue much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If everyone of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the U.S.A. is covered in BLUE and it will let our troops know the once ‘silent’ majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the medium lets on. The first thing a soldier says when asked ‘What can we do to make things better for you?’ is. ‘We need your support and your prayers.’

Let’s get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear something blue every Friday.

IF YOU AGREE — THEN SEND THIS ON. YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET BOTH OF THEM.

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Bake a Cake or Go to Bed

Sunday, November 21st, 2010

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
“HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT’S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.”

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, “FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO.”

“FINE”, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, “WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON’T CLOSE RIGHT.”

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, “FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO!”

“FINE,” SHE SAYS. “THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.”

“I’M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON’T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE ARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I’M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!”

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS………………………… HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

“HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW’D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, “WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.”

HE SAID, “SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?”

SHE REPLIED, “HELLOOOOO… DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO!”

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OMG!!!

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010

If I got a letter like this woman did, I would stop being a supporter of the president who wrote the letter!!! What about you?

A 28-year-old mother of two from southern Michigan whose bleak prospects and resilient attitude prompted a handwritten note from President Barack Obama has sold the memento for $7,000…

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/11/02/AR2010110201485.html

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