Last night my daughter walked into the living room and said:
“Dad, cancel my allowance, stop paying my college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPad, and jewelry and give it to charity. Sell my car and take my front door key and throw me out of the house”.
Well, she didn’t actually put it like that. She said:
“Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed.”
Toen een vrouw langs de slaapkamerdeur van haar dochter liep, hoorde ze een vreemd zoemend geluid. Ze opende de deur en zag dat haar dochter zich flink lag te verwennen met een vibrator. Gechoqueerd vroeg ze: ‘Wat in ‘s hemelsnaam ben jij aan het doen?’
De dochter antwoordde: ‘Mam, ik ben 22 jaar, ongetrouwd en met dit ding lijkt het een beetje alsof ik een echtgenoot heb. Ga alsjeblieft weg en laat me alleen’.
De volgende dag hoorde de vader hetzelfde zoemende geluid aan de andere kant van zijn dochters slaapkamerdeur. De deur openend, zag hij zijn dochter gepassioneerde seks hebben met een vibrator.
Op zijn vraag wat zij daar aan het doen was, antwoordde de dochter:
‘Pap, ik ben 22 jaar, ongetrouwd en dit ding is zo’n beetje mijn echtgenoot. Ga alsjeblieft weg en laat me alleen!’
Een paar dagen later komen de moeder en dochter thuis van een middagje winkelen, zetten hun tassen in de gang en horen het bekende gezoem uit de woonkamer komen. Ze gaan de kamer binnen en zien de vader, zittend op de bank, tv kijken. Naast hem op de bank de vibrator, trillend en zoemend als een gek.
Vraagt zijn vrouw: ‘Wat ben je in godsnaam aan het doen?’
Zegt de vader: ‘Ik kijk naar een voetbalwedstrijd met mijn schoonzoon…’
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘ No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
” Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started….
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her,
“Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
“When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said,
“I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said,
“Unbutton your shirt”.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’
The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’
It all started this morning when I made breakfast for the cranky youngsters – -
And fed the baby a bottle.
I loaded up the kids in the car seat and took them to daycare & school.
I was late for work and traffic was a nightmare!
My husband called my cell phone to tell me he got laid off from his construction job!
I got to the office (I’m a Tech Analyst)
My supervisor chewed me out…
…for misplacing the mouse!
I went out for lunch and got caught in the rain.
I left work early to pick up my new glasses (wrong size),
drove the boys to karate lessons…
…and the girls to tap & ballet.
When we got back home, all they wanted to do was watch TV…
…instead of doing their homework.
After much chaos, they took their baths, got ready for bed and brushed their teeth.
I read them their nightly bedtime story…
…and they finally went to sleep.
I tried doing some aerobics in the living room.
Uh oh, I don’t think all the ‘fast-food’ and exercise is agreeing with me!
Now, I think I’m getting a migraine…
…and a runny nose.
I’m pretty certain it’s the flu!
After a long and grueling day, I crawled into bed and was just drifting off when…
…I realized I had forgotten to look through coupons in the paper.
Dear Lord, despite the topsy-turvy day I’ve had, I give thanks to you
for all the blessings you’ve bestowed upon me and my family.
Next week, I’m off to the spa and pool for some much-needed rest and relaxation with my girlfriend…
That’s how MY life is going…. How are things with YOU?
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”. The husband turned to his wife and said,
“Honey, that’s psychology babble is such a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis… “
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a low voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
He said, “I found the remote.”
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a Blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied, “I can’t take your money… I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, and so I knew he would jump.”
The Blonde replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money…
