Posts Tagged ‘Jewish’

“Fentestic!”

Friday, January 6th, 2012

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Two Jewish matrons, friends from the old country, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion in Miami Beach. The first woman says,
“Ven mine first child vas born, mine husband built for me this beautiful mension.”
The second woman says, “Fentestic.”

The first woman continues, “Ven mine second child vas born, mine husband bought for me dot fine Kadillek in de driveway.”
Again, the second woman says, “Fentestic.”
The first woman boasts, “Den, ven mine third child vas born, mine husband bought for me this exqvisite
diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the second woman comments, “Fentestic.”
The first woman then asks her companion, “Vat did your husband buy for you ven you had your first child?”
The second woman replies, “Mine husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cries,
“Oy Vey is mir! Vot for?”
The first woman responds, “So instead of saying “Who gives a crap!” I learned to say, “Fentestic!”

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Jewish Bra

Wednesday, July 20th, 2011

A man walked into the women’s department of Macy’s in New York City . He found a saleslady and told her, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.”

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?”

He repeated “A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra and that you would know what she means.”

“Ah, now I remember,” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.”

Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, “So, what are the differences?”

The saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”

He mused on that information for a minute and asked, “So, what does the Jewish bra do?”

“The Jewish bra,” she replied, “makes mountains out of molehills.”

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Solution for Peace in the Middle East

Sunday, June 12th, 2011

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I agree with Andrew Klavan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIEeiDjdUuU&feature=player_embedded

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When Europe Died

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

Received this from a friend (have seen it before), figured was time to send it on again!

Please, read this article and forward it! Thank you…

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ALL EUROPEAN LIFE DIED IN AUSCHWITZ

The following is a copy of an article written by Spanish writer Sebastian Vilar Rodriguez and published in a Spanish newspaper on Jan. 15, 2008.

It doesn’t take much imagination to extrapolate the message to the rest of Europe – and possibly to the rest of the world.

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REMEMBER AS YOU READ — IT WAS IN A SPANISH PAPER
Date: Tuesday 15 January 2008 14:30

ALL EUROPEAN LIFE DIED IN AUSCHWITZ
By Sebastian Vilar Rodrigez

I walked down the street in Barcelona, and suddenly discovered a terrible truth – Europe died in Auschwitz … We killed six million Jews and replaced them with 20 million Muslims. In Auschwitz we burned a culture, thought, creativity, talent. We destroyed the chosen people, truly chosen, because they produced great and wonderful people who changed the world.
The contribution of this people is felt in all areas of life: science, art, international trade, and above all, as the conscience of the world. These are the people we burned.
And under the pretense of tolerance, and because we wanted to prove to ourselves that we were cured of the disease of racism, we opened our gates to 20 million Muslims, who brought us stupidity and ignorance, religious extremism and lack of tolerance, crime and poverty, due to an unwillingness to work and support their families with pride.
They have blown up our trains and turned our beautiful Spanish cities into the third world, drowning in filth and crime.
Shut up in the apartments they receive free from the government, they plan the murder and destruction of their naive hosts.
And thus, in our misery, we have exchanged culture for fanatical hatred, creative skill for destructive skill, intelligence for backwardness and superstition.
We have exchanged the pursuit of peace of the Jews of Europe and their talent for a better future for their children, their determined clinging to life because life is holy, for those who pursue death, for people consumed by the desire for death for themselves and others, for our children and theirs.
What a terrible mistake was made by miserable Europe ..
The Global Islamic population is approximately 1,200,000,000; that
is ONE BILLION TWO HUNDRED MILLION or 20% of the world’s population.

They have received the following Nobel Prizes:
Literature:
1988 – Najib Mahfooz
Peace:
1978 – Mohamed Anwar El-Sadat
1990 – Elias James Corey
1994 – Yaser Arafat:
1999 – Ahmed Zewai
Economics:
(zero)
Physics:
(zero)
Medicine:
1960 – Peter Brian Medawar
1998 – Ferid Mourad
TOTAL: 7 SEVEN
The Global Jewish population is approximately 14,000,000; that is

FOURTEEN MILLION or about 0.02% of the world’s population. They have received the following Nobel Prizes:
Literature:
1910 – Paul Heyse
1927 – Henri Bergson
1958 – Boris Pasternak
1966 – Shmuel Yosef Agnon
1966 – Nelly Sachs
1976 – Saul Bellow
1978 – Isaac Bashevis Singer
1981 – Elias Canetti
1987 – Joseph Brodsky
1991 – Nadine Gordimer World
Peace:
1911 – Alfred Fried
1911 – Tobias Michael Carel Asser
1968 – Rene Cassin
1973 – Henry Kissinger
1978 – Menachem Begin
1986 – Elie Wiesel
1994 – Shimon Peres
1994 – Yitzhak Rabin
Physics:
1905 – Adolph Von Baeyer
1906 – Henri Moissan
1907 – Albert Abraham Michelson
1908 – Gabriel Lippmann
1910 – Otto Wallach
1915 – Richard Willstaetter
1918 – Fritz Haber
1921 – Albert Einstein
1922 – Niels Bohr
1925 – James Franck
1925 – Gustav Hertz
1943 – Gustav Stern
1943 – George Charles de Hevesy
1944 – Isidor Issac Rabi
1952 – Felix Bloch
1954 – Max Born
1958 – Igor Tamm
1959 – Emilio Segre
1960 – Donald A. Glaser
1961 – Robert Hofstadter
1961 – Melvin Calvin
1962 – Lev Davidovich Landau
1962 – Max Ferdinand Perutz
1965 – Richard Phillips Feynman
1965 – Julian Schwinger
1969 – Murray Gell-Mann
1971 – Dennis Gabor
1972 – William Howard Stein
1973 – Brian David Josephson
1975 – Benjamin Mottleson
1976 – Burton Richter
1977 – Ilya Prigogine
1978 – Arno Allan Penzias
1978 – Peter L Kapitza
1979 – Stephen Weinberg
1979 – Sheldon Glashow
1979 – Herbert Charles Brown
1980 – Paul Berg
1980 – Walter Gilbert
1981 – Roald Hoffmann
1982 – Aaron Klug
1985 – Albert A. Hauptman
1985 – Jerome Karle
1986 – Dudley R. Herschbach
1988 – Robert Huber
1988 – Leon Lederman
1988 – Melvin Schwartz
1988 – Jack Steinberger
1989 – Sidney Altman
1990 – Jerome Friedman
1992 – Rudolph Marcus
1995 – Martin Perl
2000 – Alan J. Heeger
Economics:
1970 – Paul Anthony Samuelson
1971 – Simon Kuznets
1972 – Kenneth Joseph Arrow
1975 – Leonid Kantorovich
1976 – Milton Friedman
1978 – Herbert A. Simon
1980 – Lawrence Robert Klein
1985 – Franco Modigliani
1987 – Robert M. Solow
1990 – Harry Markowitz
1990 – Merton Miller
1992 – Gary Becker
1993 – Robert Fogel
Medicine:
1908 – Elie Metchnikoff
1908 – Paul Erlich
1914 – Robert Barany
1922 – Otto Meyerhof
1930 – Karl Landsteiner
1931 – Otto Warburg
1936 – Otto Loewi
1944 – Joseph Erlanger
1944 – Herbert Spencer Gasser
1945 – Ernst Boris Chain
1946 – Hermann Joseph Muller
1950 – Tadeus Reichstein
1952 – Selman Abraham Waksman
1953 – Hans Krebs
1953 – Fritz Albert Lipmann
1958 – Joshua Lederberg
1959 – Arthur Kornberg
1964 – Konrad Bloch
1965 – Francois Jacob
1965 – Andre Lwoff
1967 – George Wald
1968 – Marshall W. Nirenberg
1969 – Salvador Luria
1970 – Julius Axelrod
1970 – Sir Bernard Katz
1972 – Gerald Maurice Edelman
1975 – Howard Martin Temin
1976 – Baruch S. Blumberg
1977 – Roselyn Sussman Yalow
1978 – Dan iel Nathans
1980 – Baruj Benacerraf
1984 – Cesar Milstein
1985 – Michael Stuart Brown
1985 – Joseph L. Goldstein
1986 – Stanley Cohen [& Rita Levi-Montalcini]
1988 – Gertrude Elion
1989 – Harold Varmus
1991 – Erwin Neher
1991 – Bert Sakmann
1993 – Richard J. Roberts
1993 – Phillip Sharp
1994 – Alfred Gilman
1995 – Edward B. Lewis
1996- Lu RoseIacovino
TOTAL: 129!

**** and the Jews creative contributions to the Arts is unparalleled.
The Jews are NOT promoting brain washing children in military training camps, teaching them how to blow themselves up and cause maximum deaths of non Jews and other non Muslims. The Jews don’t hijack planes, nor kill athletes at the Olympics, or blow themselves up in German restaurants. There is NOT one single Jew who has destroyed a church. There is NOT a single Jew who protests by killing people.
The Jews don’t traffic slaves, nor have leaders calling for Jihad and death to all the Infidels.
Perhaps the world’s Muslims should consider investing more in standard education and less in blaming the Jews for all their problems.
Muslims must ask ‘what can they do for humankind’ before they demand that humankind respects them.
Regardless of your feelings about the crisis between Israel and the Palestinians and Arab neighbors, even if you believe there is more culpability on Israel ‘s part, the following two sentences really say it all:

“If the Arabs put down their weapons today there would be no more violence. If the Jews put down their weapons today, there would be no more Israel.”
Benjamin Netanyahu

General Eisenhower Warned Us It is a matter of history that when the Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces, General Dwight Eisenhower, found the victims of the death camps he ordered all possible photographs to be taken, and for the German people from surrounding villages to be ushered through the camps and even made to bury the dead.
He did this because he said in words to this effect:
‘Get it all on record now – get the films – get the witnesses – because somewhere down the road of history some bastard will get up and say that this never happened’
Recently, the UK debated whether to remove The Holocaust from its school curriculum because it ‘offends’ the Muslim population which claims it never occurred. It is not removed as yet. However, this is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world and how easily each country is giving into it.
It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended. This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the, 6 million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians, and 1,900 Catholic priests who were ‘murdered, raped, burned, starved, beaten, experimented on and humiliated’ while the German people looked the other way.
Now, more than ever, with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be ‘a myth’, it is imperative to make sure the world never forgets.

This e-mail is intended to reach 400 million people. Be a link in the memorial chain and help distribute this around the world. How many years will it be before the attack on the World Trade Center ‘NEVER HAPPENED’ because it offends some Muslim in the United States?

Do not just delete this message; it will take only a minute to pass this along.

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The Jewish Dog

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, “My dog has a problem.”

Dr. Saul says, “So, tell me about the dog and the problem.”

“It’s a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,” says Morty.

“He can talk?” the doubting doctor asks.

“Watch this!” Morty points to the dog and commands: ” Irving, Fetch!”

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
“So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I’m nothing.
And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.
You give me this awful food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it’s a special diet.
It tastes disgusting! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk?
NO, it’s out of the house, a short “washroom visit”, and right back home.
Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn’t kill me so much!
I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!”

Dr. Saul is amazed, “This is remarkable! So, what’s the problem?”
Morty says, “He has a hearing problem! I said ‘Fetch,’ not ‘Kvetch.”

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Jewish Board of Directors

Saturday, November 20th, 2010

Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were all close friends since childhood.

They decided they wanted to go into business together.

Schwartz says, “OK! I’ll invest $100,000.”

Cohen says, “I will go for $200,000″.

Ginsburg says, “All right, I’ll put in $1,000.”

Cohen says,

“If I’m putting in $200,000, I’ll be the President and CEO of the corporation.

You, Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO, and …

Ginsburg, for your $1,000, you will be our Sexual Advisor.”

Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, “What is a Sexual Advisor?”

Cohen replies,

“When we want your fucking advice, we’ll ask for it.”

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A Jewish Man Was Sitting in a Café..

Wednesday, October 20th, 2010

A Jewish man was sitting in Starbucks reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his walks in, and seeing this strange phenomenon gets very upset and says to him:
“Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”

Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspapers, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews being lost by assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to reading the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”

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My Number Was 70819

Friday, August 27th, 2010
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Sir Moses Haim Montefiore

Wednesday, August 4th, 2010

Sir Moses Haim Montefiore (1784-1885) the British Jewish banker, philanthropist, international fighter for human rights, and one-time Sheriff of London, was once, the story goes, seated at a dinner party next to a notoriously anti-Semitic nobleman who remarked that he had just returned from Japan where “they have neither pigs nor Jews.” Montefiore is supposed to have responded instantly:
“In that case you and I should go there so it will have a sample of each.”

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